Backsliding

So as I've mentioned earlier I am training for a marathon in October (and I have a 1/2 marathon at the end of July), last week was my first 'rollback' week as far as mileage goes so you'd think last week would have been a breeze as far as training is concerned. Well, it wasn't. I couldn't seem to motivate myself. We had a 4 day weekend and I didn't get my long run in until Monday! AND I skipped my short run on Thursday. So basically my week should have looked like this:

Mon: rest

Tues: short run

Wed: rest
Thur: short run
Fri: rest
Sat: long run
Sun: long walk

but ended up looking like this:

Mon: rest
Tues: short run

Wed: rest (this is where the wheels fall off the bus)

Thur: rest
Fri: more rest
Sat: still resting (or just incredibly lazy)
Sun: slow 3 mile walk with the dog

This has really unnerved me and I've spend considerable time trying to figure out what the hell is going on. The best I can come up with is that I have some underlying fear about failing. It seems to have crept up as the mileage on my long runs increased. I find myself fixating on my long run even before I've conquered the weekday short runs. I went from running 3 times a week to running once a week, and my goal is to build up to running 4-5 days a week. So here is my plan:

1. I will schedule my runs and KEEP MY APPT with myself. If the weather isn't cooperating I will commit to running the treadmill (aka dreadmill) for 30 minutes or doing the elliptical for 30 minutes.
2. I will not stress about the long run UNTIL IT'S TIME for me to run my long run!
3. If I cannot complete the mileage for my long run, I will simply try again until I make it.

Someone made this comment to me: "sometimes it can be hard. But I firmly believe that if you are going to commit to running, you have to be willing to sacrifice other parts of your life for it..." And he is totally right. I've been doing a lot of work around structuring my life to reflect my personal convictions and goals. One of my main goals is to work on my physical well being. I am amazingly healthy and quite fit for someone who is overweight. If you were to simply look at the numbers (blood pressure, sugars, cholesterol, resting heart rate, etc) you'd assume I was physically fit. But I'm not. I've been overweight for almost my whole life but active in spite of it. For ONCE I'd like my outsides appearance to reflect my inner health. There is a very popular running path right by the house I grew up in and I always envied the people running the Boulevard. I used to walk it all the time, but I always wanted to be one of the runners. I've always admired people who run; their dedication, their easy stride, their strong toned legs. To me it is the epitome of healthy hobbies. And don't even get me started on those runners who are COMPETITIVE ATHLETES! I have immense respect for anyone who runs a race whether it be a 5K or an ultra marathon. I'm amazed and energized when I watch them. I WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM!

That is my goal: to be a real runner! So as my friend so aptly put it, I need to make sacrifices. It's not always going to be easy. I won't always 'feel like it'. I stumbled upon an article in Runner's World today and there was a quote that really stuck with me:

"you rarely regret the runs you do; you almost always regret the runs you skip".

So true. So today I am reiterating my commitment to running, to becoming a runner, and to shaping the outer me to reflect the inner me.